She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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