Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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