Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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