Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
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We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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