after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They took my balls.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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