I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
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I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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