I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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