The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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