Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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