I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
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running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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