Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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