I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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