if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
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I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize