I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize