cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
