Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
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Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
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She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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