hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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