Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
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I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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