so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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