Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do vagina's smell?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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