I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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