It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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