Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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