The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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