I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
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I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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