I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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