i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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