i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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I want her autograph on my taint
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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