Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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