Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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