I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
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The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize