I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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