I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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