if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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