my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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