I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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