Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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