new low.... made out with someone while peeing
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
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She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
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I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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