The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Text me some of your sweat
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