wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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