you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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