Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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