I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
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I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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