I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize