Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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