I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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