you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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