She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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