Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize