Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was CRYING into my vagina
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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